After
by Elektra3
Summary: A cross-section of the thoughts of a man who's just lost everyone and everything he values. Sirius' thoughts after his arrest.


Before you read: This is a stream of consciousness taken from the head of a man who's losing his mind. To achieve that affect, there are no capital letters, no line breaks, and next to no punctuation. Consider yourselves warned.

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter. I never have owned Harry Potter. I never will own Harry Potter. If, after reading this disclaimer, you still believe that I own Harry Potter, I will pick up a copy of J.K. Rowling's copyright and beat you with it.

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sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry sorry sorry all my fault all my fault all my fault oh lily james ruined house all staring staring broken crying my fault all my fault all my fault all and you're dead dead dead you're dead i'm dead staring laughing crying all my fault all my fault only my fault no that's not true the rat the rat betrayed you we all thought i thought you thought he would never never never but he did he did and all my thought i fault no all my fault i thought he was good honest thought he was thought he was always the honest one the good one not like us but like us not different like moony but still different he thought he wasn't a gryffindor not brave like he should be and maybe that's why but he still still still he still was one of us still still still a marauder we gave him the secret to keep and he betrayed us and all my fault i didn't know didn't know he was wrong and evil always the traitor not one of us but i thought we thought you thought he was good but he wasn't oh lily james i was stupid a fool you were right right right lily about remus wasn't the traitor like the rat not twisted inside like the rat the wolf should have made him dark horrible tainted but that's not true never true he was the cleanest one in the end not staring up through a ruined house not screaming lies before the street turns to dust oh james you should have seen it like a time warp of dust memories warped by time and explosions oh staring up lily staring upwards furious so furious like i've never seen not scared no not scared never scared like she was never scared at the school i don't remember the name of now i should remember the name of the school the place the dream i met you there and moony and lily so it was a good dream in the end no matter how stupid we were and i can admit it now we were so stupid then we thought we were invincible we thought we would live forever i didn't need to say that twice because invincible means you live forever lily always said that i should learn vocabulary and that always annoyed me but i want to hear it now would want to hear it now if she was only alive to say it again but she can't say it again because of the rat the dirty rat we met him at the school that i'll remember the name of somehow we met the rat at school so maybe it wasn't such a good dream but we thought we thought we thought and hoped and dreamed because it was a dream the school i mean and we've just woken up you open your eyes when you wake up but you already knew that even though it always took you forever to open your eyes and get out of bed i remember dragging you out one morning when you curled into your mattress and wouldn't move i dragged out dumped you in the shower and the rat was trying hard so hard not to laugh but not very well and moony just laughed and laughed and laughed i wonder if he'll ever laugh like that again now that you're dead and blank and staring staring through the remains of your house not even close to your wife not really even though you're in the same house the same ruins of a house i mean but she was upstairs you were downstairs you fought voldemort so that he wouldn't find her wouldn't find harry but he did he did he did i'm sorry oh i'm sorry you shouldn't have had to fight not like that not in your own house in your own territory he shouldn't have been able to go there shouldn't have been able to find you but he did and it's my fault james it's all my fault he killed you went up the stairs found lily but she faced him james she stood up and faced him and it wasn't all for nothing james you didn't fight she didn't fight for nothing harry lived not even crying when hagrid took him to dumbledore and i gave him my bike probably shouldn't have but i did went looking for the rat and i found him james i found him he screamed i betrayed you and blew apart the street i should have done something but i'm starting to think i can't do anything not anything right you and lily staring and harry not knowing that his parents are dead because his godfather is a fool an arrogant fool who trusted a rat but didn't trust moony who's the last one of us now james he's the last one now you're dead broken i'm locked up laughing the rat is the traitor so moony's the last one he deserves to live but it's not enough just to live i owe him james i owe you more but i owe him too this is all my fault never should have suspected him but i did and you paid the price oh james i'm sorry lily i'm sorry remus i'm sorry harry i'm sorry so sorry you shouldn't have had to be the one year old who killed voldemort like your elders should have done for you sorry i'm so sorry so i'm locked up here i can't apologize can't ever speak to you again i can't say think anything but i'm sorry i'm sorry sorry sorry


End file.
